When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
