wrigley field is MILF paradise
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
