i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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