one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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