I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
