I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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