soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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