you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
