saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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