I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just pynch a tree in the face
one two three fourrrrnication!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
