dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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