yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
