Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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