What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize