Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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