so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
