then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
