She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This is my life. Enjoy the view
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
