The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize