this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
