the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
