Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
