You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
