Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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