A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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