Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
