I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
