You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
