When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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