Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Blood and glitter go together right?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
