Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
