Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
