I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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