Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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