i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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