i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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