Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
