if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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