I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize