i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
