You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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