That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
