It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
