I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
