She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
