i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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