If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
