apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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