I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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