I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
