I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
