Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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