I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
