girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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