I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
3 2 1 whiskey
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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