I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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