My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
