"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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