he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
