i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
