I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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