I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
