She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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